Going Home

 My Grandmother, Mary has always been a giver. Whether food or money, clothes or a car, she has always stepped in where others couldn't. She would do without, so that we would have more than enough.  Even once I was out of college, and making more money than she got from the government monthly, she would sneak money into my car, or my purse... That has always been her way of taking care of me. I think most of you know that my Gram hasn't been doing very well the last few months. She is increasingly confused and agitated. We moved her from my Dad's to a nursing home in Macon. She promptly escaped ( thankfully not far) and was moved again to the Alzheimer's unit or what I call "lockdown"  The past few visits have been really really hard.  She has lost alot of weight and I think she isn't eating anymore or drinking. Friday, the 2nd was her 84th birthday. Instead of the party we had planned, she was admitted, again to the hospital.  Mike and I drove down to see her yesterday..The visit had its ups and downs. When reminded of her birthday, she says "that's right, I am 60 years old, today!" She is quite sassy with the nurses, and really likes to pull out her IVs. She also seemed quite put out that I didn't bring her anything...You might say her love language is gifts, haha!  I think she wanted something sweet, or a present. My Gram has always been a smart woman, and has never really had a "filter"  I think, somewhere deep in her mind she knows her time is ending. She also knows how hard this is for us....  The hardest part of yesterday, was her looking at me with those eyes, the ones that match mine, and saying "Do you love me? Of course Gram. How much, she asked?  More than you know, Gram. Well then, I am ready. Ready for what, Gram? I am ready to go, I am ready to go...My time is done." After I swallowed the gigantic lump in my throat, I think I squeeked out an "ok" As I think back on it, I think this is just one more way of her taking care of me. Making sure I know that she really is ok... She has lived this amazing life... Has a family that adores her. I think this is her last gift to us.. To wash away any guilt that we might have, to help us know we are doing the right thing by letting her give up the fight... I was looking back over a myspace post, from 2006. I had written it after a visit with her, after we took her independence and her car, and moved her in with my Dad, and I had written down the lyrics to this song by Sara Groves... Once again, they are running through my head... I know she is ready to go, and I think we are finally ready to let her go... I also think, like I wrote a couple of years ago, there is a table waiting for her... a celebration. And if my Gram has anything to do with it, she will cook everyone some chicken.  

"Theres a feeling I can't capture
Its always just a prayer away
I want to know the ending
Things hoped for but not seen
But I guess thats the point of hoping anyway

Of going home, Ill meet you at the table
Going home, Ill meet you in the air
And you are never too young to think about it
Oh, I cannot wait to be home

Im confined by my senses
To really know what you are like
You are more than I can fathom
And more than I can guess
And more than I can see with you in sight

But I have felt you with my spirit
I have felt you fill this room
And this is just an invitation
Just a sample of the whole
And I cannot wait to be going home

Going home, Ill meet you at the table
Going home, Ill meet you in the air
And you are never too young to think about it
Oh, I cannot wait to be going, to be going home"

Amen. :)